Handle with care
by Bookjunk
Summary: Set after the series finale. Dani slowly but steadily slips back into her old habits and refuses all help.
1. Acid tongue

**Chapter 1: Acid tongue**

_To be lonely is a habit_

_Like smoking or taking drugs_

_And I've quit them both_

_But man, was it rough_

Dani stepped out of the car. There were orange trees lining the road. The sand she was walking on was dry and felt loose under her shoes. The smell of fruit was in the air. She vibrated with anger. Crews was still staring at the sun when she pushed him.

'You crossed the line,' she yelled. Bewildered, Crews blinked and looked at her. She shoved him again, harder this time.

'Reese?' he said, hesitantly, as he stumbled backwards.

'What the hell were you thinking?' Dani shouted. She kicked sand at his trousers. This must look ridiculous, she thought, but she was so angry that she had simply ceased caring. Bodner could regale everyone with tales of her insanity for all she cared.

'It was my fault that...' Crews tried to explain. His hands reached out to steady her, to calm her, but she slapped them away.

'I don't give a shit! You don't get to do that.'

Bodner leaned out of the car, thinking better of intervening. Dani glared at Crews. He offered her one of his bemused looks. As if he didn't know what she meant, while the whole fucking universe knew.

Forcing herself into an outward approximation of serenity, she breathed heavily and ignored Crews' facial expression. When he started talking again, she ignored his words too. After a minute she thought she had regained a modicum of restraint. Crews was still rambling about Roman Nevikov and why it was perfectly acceptable for him to trade himself for her.

Dani signaled Bodner to move. In some sort of asshole chivalrous move, he tried to hold the car door open for her.

'If you want a ride, get in the car,' she said to him. As she adjusted the driver's seat, she saw the two men glance at each other. Uncertainly, Bodner approached the other side of the car and opened the door.

'What about...?' Bodner asked, gesturing towards Crews. Shielding her eyes with her hand, Dani peered through the windshield. The bastard was standing there with a benevolent expression on his face. As if he was granting them permission to leave without him. As if he could fucking stop her.

'Get in and close the door,' she snapped and Bodner hurriedly did what she said. With a grim face, she put the car in gear and sped away. To her intense satisfaction, their hasty departure left behind a cloud of dust. They drove in silence for a few seconds, before Bodner cleared his throat.

'He didn't...'

'Shut up or I'm leaving you too.'

The rest of the ride, Bodner wisely chose to keep his mouth shut.

(***)

What followed was a giant debriefing, as if they had partaken in a military mission. Bodner did most of the talking and subsequently got fired.

Crews did some of the talking, but was being deliberately vague – he called it being Zen. He was suspended for a few weeks, while an independent investigation into his activities was launched.

Dani did none of the talking, refusing to discuss anything pertaining to the kidnapping and her release. She was ordered to talk to a shrink. She refused. Crews talked to her. She still refused. Finally, Tidwell managed to arrange something so it seemed she had been to see a therapist while she hadn't. She didn't thank him.

(***)

On the first night back in her apartment, Dani felt antsy. She put her clothes in the trash and took a shower. Afterwards, in soft and fresh clothes, feeling very soft and fresh herself too, she sat in the living room.

She turned on the TV, but switched it off after a few minutes of channel surfing. Standing by the window, she looked out at the dark street. She hadn't turned on a single light in the house when she came home. Not even in the bathroom, where she'd dried in the dark and brushed her hair without looking in the mirror.

From the outside, she could imagine her silhouette blending into the darkness of the apartment if someone tried to look inside.

For a while, she chewed on her lip. It wasn't something she normally did, because men always misinterpreted the habit. They thought she was trying to be sexy. Apparently, practically everything a woman did was meant to attract a man. Chewing your lip, tucking your hair behind your ear, laughing: all body language designed to snare a man. Men are such arrogant fuckers, Dani thought.

Tonight, she chewed because she was deep in thought and there was no one there to misread her intentions anyway.

Finally, she put on her jacket and left the apartment. It didn't take her long to pick someone up and convince him to take her home. She had sex with him and left when he was snoring.

(***)

A week later.

The bar was still relatively quiet. Dani realised she might have come in a bit early. Now she would have to kill time before someone suitable came along. She was thirsty, but she didn't want a drink. She didn't need a shrink to tell her that. She was hungry too, but hadn't eaten properly for weeks. A steady diet of pizzas and the occasional candy bar had kept her on her feet. Unfortunately, there was no one there to satisfy her real needs.

Her eyes were tired. She needed to buy a new pair of sunglasses. The last pair had gotten lost somewhere during the kidnapping. Perhaps when she was transferred into the van. Perhaps Crews had even found it.

Not that it mattered. She'd buy a new pair the next day. She was sick of squinting the entire goddamn day to keep the sun out of her eyes.

'From that gentleman in the corner,' the bartender said when he placed a bottle on the counter in front of her. Dani nodded and looked at the label. It was a non-alcoholic root beer. Slowly, she turned around and caught a glimpse of red hair and blue eyes. Before Crews could blink, she was gone.

(***)

Another week later. Saturday.

Dani spent the weekend in a furious mood. She considered cleaning the apartment – it was what her mother did when she was mad – but after halfheartedly vacuuming the bedroom, she decided it wasn't really for her. It didn't have the desired calming effect.

On Saturday night, she went home with a guy who insisted on telling her his name. This almost caused her to blow the thing off, but ultimately she was too wired to care. As she left his house, she thought hard. Tim? Tom? Ben? Rick? It had been something short. When she realised she had already forgotten his name, she started to laugh and couldn't stop.

(***)

Sunday.

That night, she went home with one guy, resurfaced in another bar an hour later and picked up another guy. After him, she went back to the first bar and ordered a beer. She drank three and went home.

Tidwell was waiting at her door. She suddenly regretted not getting completely plastered. This was a conversation she didn't want to have, so she didn't have it.

'Dani...' was all he managed to get out, before she opened the door and closed it again. He knocked a couple of times and called her name. Probably also called her cell, but for all intents and purposes she wasn't home.

Everyone had been interviewed: Early, Tidwell, Seever and Stark, as well as Dani and Bodner again. Bodner was persistent in his refusal to implicate Crews. The others were equally obstinate. Seever was probably the one with a story closest to the truth and she was also the only one who came off looking good.

On Monday, Crews would be back at work. The investigation had turned up nothing definitive about him except the kidnapping of Mickey Rayborn, who had _magnanimously_ decided not to press charges.

She shivered violently. She felt like shedding her skin, because she felt uncomfortable in it. Settling on the next best thing, she took a scalding hot shower. Her skin was red from the too hot water. The pain felt good. As her skin cooled down, she got under the sheets.

For fun, she tried to remember the name of the Saturday night guy, because she couldn't sleep anyway. Her legs got tangled up in the sheets and she felt as if even the light summer blankets were suffocating her. Wildly, she kicked them off.

As the cool air of the air conditioning caressed her naked body, she contemplated not reporting for work the next day. She'd go somewhere warm, but not as humid as Los Angeles. She'd lie on the beach, sip scotch, sleep with strangers and be bored out of her mind. In the midst of her fantasy, she fell asleep.

(***)

Monday morning.

'Is something wrong?' Tidwell asked. He could be coming in any moment, Dani thought. She shook her head and looked through the blinds of the captain's office. Stark was dawdling at the water cooler. No sign of him yet.

'Did something happen during the kidnapping?' Tidwell continued.

'Roman just slapped me around a little bit, made empty threats: you know, the usual stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary,' she scoffed. He regarded her intently, while she sipped her coffee. A head ache was forming, which was fitting since Crews was about as unwanted and annoying as a head ache.

'You're fine?'

Before she could snap that if nothing was wrong she must be fine, she saw him. Light blue shirt, dark blue suit, striped tie. Stark immediately spotted him too and grabbed his hand. He shook Stark's hand, but his eyes wandered around the room. They located her faster than she would have thought possible and held her gaze. Sliver of Crews, blind, sliver of Crews, blind and so on it went.

She noticed that Tidwell was staring at her and drained her paper cup, burning her tongue in the process. The captain got up from behind his desk , walked out of the office and up to Crews. Unwilling to become a part of his welcome party, Dani marched off.

'Crews, meet me outside,' she barked as she snatched her jacket of a chair. Without looking back to see if he was following, she got on the elevator.

(***)

Monday. Five o'clock.

'Is something going on between Crews and you?' Tidwell inquired. She was caught off guard by the question, which had undoubtedly been his intention when he snuck up behind her. Thus, instead of a firm 'no,' she ended up with 'like what?'

'You seem to go out of your way to... well, to avoid him.'

She narrowed her eyes and regarded Tidwell suspiciously. Even though darkness was already setting in, Dani put on her sunglasses as she considered his assessment. It was accurate. The sensation lasted only a few seconds, but she felt as if she couldn't breathe. She needed to get out of the building, out of her clothes, out of her skin. It subsided when she pressed her nails into the palms of her hands.

'Did he say that?' she asked, instantly despising the defensive note that crept into her voice.

'No, but I've got eyes, Dani,' Tidwell said and sighed, before adding, 'Do you want me to come over tonight?'

'That's not necessary,' she answered. It was too quick and too decisive; she could see it in his eyes. He nodded, obviously hurt by the rejection. After a short pause, she was the first to speak. It wasn't an explanation or an apology or a number of things she might have said if she were another person. If she weren't Dani Reese.

'Are we done here?'

Tidwell nodded again, a curt nod to dismiss her and she wasted no time in getting as far away from him as possible. He looked after her and mumbled to himself.

'Yes, I think we're done.'

(***)

During that week, she graduated from beer and meaningless sex with strangers to SM and scotch. No need to go away to have a good time. On Friday, Tidwell requested her presence in his office and reluctantly she obeyed. He regarded her warily as she closed the door behind her. Crews' eyes burned holes in her back as she leaned against the window. He was swiftly driving her insane.

'You've had several altercations this week,' Tidwell began. He summed up everything. Her needlessly aggressive interrogation of the business partner of a murder victim, how her handling of a teenage hoodlum had led to a couple of bruised ribs, her sudden inability to cooperate with other branches of law enforcement, the number of times she had left Crews at the side of the road after he'd made an innocent remark that for some reason had irritated her.

At the end of the list, Tidwell sighed. It was a parental sigh. An _I'm not mad; I'm disappointed_ sigh. Over the years, Dani had gotten plenty of those from her mother. Her father was usually just mad. The phrase 'conduct unbecoming a police officer' was hanging in the air.

'You're drinking again, aren't you?'

She focused on the floor and didn't answer. Tidwell heaved one of his futile sighs again.

'I recommend that you take a break. Go on vacation or something,' Tidwell finally suggested. Her head snapped up from the spot of the floor she had been examining and rubbing at with her foot. Dani chewed over that idea, literally chewing on her bottom lip.

It was an appealing prospect; that much was sure. To spend some time away from Crews. The problem was that eventually she would have to return and the trouble would simply begin anew. She stopped chewing when she noticed Tidwell's look.

'And what if I don't follow your unsolicited advice?' she defiantly asked. In response, he leaned back in his chair and glanced at Crews. Some understanding seemed to pass between them before he fixed his attention on her again.

'You're heading for a suspension, Dani. For your own good, _please_, take a break.'

When she nodded, she saw relief flood his face. It quickly disappeared when she took the badge off her belt and put it on his desk. Next, she took her service weapon out of its holster and placed it before him too.

'Fuck that, I quit.'

'Dani, don't do this.'

Outside of Tidwell's office, she almost bumped into Crews. He asked her what had happened, but she pretended not to hear him. She easily sidestepped him and made a beeline for the elevator. Her composure was quickly crumbling and she hammered the button several times. This is the right decision, she told herself; I have to do this. And above all, it had nothing to do with Crews.

_You know I'm a liar_

(***)

The story title is the song 'Handle with Care' from the Traveling Wilburys, covered by Jenny Lewis. The lyrics in every chapter correspond with the chapter title and these are all songs from Jenny Lewis again.


	2. See Fernando

**Chapter 2: See Fernando**

_I wear a ponytail like a waterfall_

_Loudspeaker cause a landslide_

_I have a room key and a Johnnie_

_A good buzz, feeling all right_

'Well, that went even worse than I anticipated.'

As Crews entered the office, Tidwell sighed. They looked at Dani's badge and weapon. Exhausted, the captain rubbed his temples and sighed again. These days, when it came to Dani, he was always sighing in frustration. Why could nothing ever be easy with her? Why couldn't she believe he cared and wanted what was right for her? And, most of all, why couldn't she, just this once, _listen_?

While Tidwell was pondering the mystery that was Dani Reese, Crews touched her badge. Tidwell scrutinised the detective. Crews seemed to have taken the news that his partner had quit the force rather well. Perhaps there was something going on behind his calm exterior too, but like with Dani, Tidwell had no idea what it could be.

'Reese does not take kindly to being told what to do,' Crews pointed out. To Tidwell's decidedly sarcastic 'you think?' he merely nodded. After a moment of consideration, he requested a leave of absence.

'Any particular reason?' Tidwell asked, pro forma. He pulled a form out of the middle drawer of his desk. This meant he would be two detectives short for the foreseeable future, which would be hard to explain and a major pain in the ass. On the other hand, if he didn't grant the leave, Crews would probably hand in his notice on Monday. After all, it wasn't as if the guy needed the money.

'Let's say I have to take care of my father. It wasn't so long ago that I shot him, after all.'

Tidwell began to fill out the form. He felt like a massive idiot. What had happened during the kidnapping? He had pieced together from rumours and the unfolding events that Crews was responsible for Dani's safe return, but no one involved wanted to share the details with him. His only hope was that Roman Nevikov would be apprehended and would spill the beans. Somehow he didn't think that was very likely to happen.

'For how long will you be absent?'

Crews thought that over for a minute before responding.

'If after a month I haven't returned to work, consider me resigned.'

Together they filled out the rest of the form and put their signatures at the bottom. Afterwards, they shook hands, both smiling at the strange formality of the gesture. Crews made as if to leave, but Tidwell stopped him.

'Tell Dani that she gets the same deal. Only if she isn't back in a month's time will I accept her resignation.'

(***)

Dani was barely home for half an hour before someone knocked on her door. Exasperated, she looked at the door. Since she hadn't ordered a pizza, it couldn't be a pizza deliverer. Her mood was such that she didn't want to see anyone else. Only a stranger bringing junk food was acceptable right now.

The fridge offered up chilled beer and she took a bottle. She half expected Tidwell to start shouting 'Dani, Dani,' but what she got was even less awesome. It was Crews. Unmistakably Crews. A shiver ran down her spine as she identified him before he said a word. Through the fucking door, she had recognised him; unbelievable.

'Reese?'

It was too late to be quiet now and pretend she wasn't home. Cursing, she unscrewed the cap and drank some of the familiar, bitter liquid. Every swig tasted worse than the previous one, but the taste wasn't the point. She wasn't a connoisseur or something ridiculous like that. She was Dani the screw up and her drinking wasn't about the drinking.

It was about forgetting and destroying. Mostly about forgetting, though. She could destroy her career, her life, her body; everything in her path. That was easy. Forgetting was harder. It had taken her a week to realise that alcohol wouldn't do the trick.

There was a silence at the other end of the door that she didn't like one bit, but it was certainly better than the alternative. Suddenly, the door opened. She saw how Crews slid a break-in kit into his suit pocket while she downed the last of her beer. As if he wasn't there – gingerly closing the door behind him – she procured another bottle from the fridge and started on that one.

'Why are you doing this?' he asked. Her fingers involuntarily tightened around the bottle. Her stare was hostile. Her next mouthful was purely provocative, but he didn't rise to the bait.

'I'm not your partner anymore. It's none of your goddamn business why I do anything,' she countered.

Crews inspected the fridge. Apprehensive, she observed his movements. The fridge was full of whiskey, vodka, scotch and a lot of beer. The only food consisted of a few frozen pizzas in the drawer at the bottom.

This was how it was going to be. Crews and Tidwell; her saviours. If she stayed here, they would get her back on track. Any moment now, Crews would start pouring the liquor down the drain in an effort to help her. She would vastly prefer a violent outburst with broken bottles and glass everywhere, but, knowing Crews, that probably wasn't an option. It would take a hell of a lot of provoking to get him there.

She wasn't up to the task. For the first time in her life, she didn't want to resist. She wanted to give in, because she was tired. If she stayed, it would be a matter of time before she gave in. That wasn't good. Relapsing was excusable; she was an addict, she was an expert at excuses. Giving in regarding Crews wasn't acceptable.

'Fuck off,' she said. Crews shut the fridge and looked at the bottle in her hand. There was no disapproval or disappointment in his eyes. All he was doing was taking note of her behaviour and filing it away somewhere. To what purpose, she didn't understand. He shrugged.

'I will come back,' he promised.

And I won't be here, Dani thought. If she was going to do this, really truly do this, she needed to get far away from anyone who might want to _save_ her. Perhaps she would follow Tidwell's advice after all and go on a holiday. At the door, Crews paused.

'You're going away?'

His question startled her. How did he do that? Her face revealed none of her amazement, but he seemed to pick up on it nonetheless.

'I know you,' he offered by way of an explanation. Dani rolled her eyes, though her mind was in turmoil. No one knew her. Not really. That happened when you lashed out if people came too close.

(***)

The next day, she was in New Mexico. The motel she chose to stay at was ferreted away in some tiny, dusty town. It looked undesirable. It was perfect. The beach was close. She spent the afternoon jogging through the loose sand, tiring herself out, encountering only locals. Come tourist season, the beach would be crowded, but now it was almost deserted.

When it started to get dark, she went back to her motel room and changed into a pair of jeans, a black top and suede boots. Because it was surprisingly cold, she wore her leather jacket over the top. Not far from her motel, Dani had seen a bar. The advertising signs promoted brands of alcohol she had never heard of. Time to get acquainted, she thought.

The door swung shut behind her. A couple of people looked up. One guy with a ridiculous moustache, a teenage boy, a blonde woman by the bar and Crews. Dani turned on her heels and returned to the motel. Furious, she threw everything she had bothered to take out of her suitcase back into it and left. This time she would have to vanish more thoroughly.

How the fuck had he managed to track her down?

(***)

After driving back the same way she had come, she had abandoned her car close to the airport in Arizona. She had left the keys in the ignition, hoping someone would steal it. Then she had booked a flight to Hawaii.

Her car was gone and a chunk of money was gone, but Dani still wasn't gone. And Crews, wherever he was, wasn't gone either. He was right here, in her mind.

Avoiding the big hotels again, she paid for a week in a shabby motel. The girl at the reception area didn't stop texting as she was checking Dani in. Though the girl legally should have, she didn't ask Dani for identification. Didn't blink or look up from her pink phone when Dani gave up a false name. She simply accepted Dani's money and handed her a room key.

Her nails were long, probably fake, and featured more colours than a Mardi Grass parade. The lines in her face made her look both old and tired. Dani estimated her age at about nineteen, certainly no older than twenty-one. The girl had dyed hair, the dark roots were showing. More interesting were the relatively recent track marks on her arms that she made no effort to conceal.

Dani leaned closer and for the first time since she had entered the motel, the girl looked up.

'Where can I get drugs?'

Suspicious, the girl - named Emily according to a smudged name plate – gazed at Dani. Her pupils were dilated and her gaze was unfocused. She was clearly on something right now. Patiently, Dani waited for her answer.

'You a cop?' Emily whispered. It was a stupid question. No cop would answer honestly to that after just asking for a dealer. With a shock, Dani realised that she wasn't a cop anymore and that she was never going to be a cop again.

'Do I look like a cop?'

Dani was still wearing the same clothes she had been wearing the night before, which the girl seemed to be scrutinising. Slowly, she nodded, scratching at the needle marks in the crook of her left elbow.

'If you want some quality stuff, you have to go and see Fernando. He lives on Bishop Street.'

Fernando obviously was an idiot. How else could a junkie know his name and his address? One phone call to the local Narcotics Unit and Fernando would be spending a long time in jail. But Dani's days as an upstanding citizen were over. She thanked Emily and gave her a twenty for the information.

It was early still and Dani hadn't slept on the plane, so she went to her room and slept until nightfall. It was much warmer in Hawaii than it had been in New Mexico. She selected a white top and ditched the leather jacket.

She gathered her hair in a ponytail and took a sip from the duty free bottle of black label whisky that she had bought at the airport.

Her mouth was dry with unspoken words and her mind full of questions. What was she doing? What the hell was she doing? She didn't need to ask why; she knew why.

Taking another sip, she shoved her room key into the pocket of her jeans and decided that she felt all right. In Bishop Street, there was one house unlike all the others. Its front yard was filled with rubbish, ranging from a punctured kiddie pool to empty packets of brownies. When she looked closely, she could see a few dirty needles that were perhaps responsible for the pool's deflated state. The music issuing from the dilapidated house was something between trance and house. Sparse lyrics with a repetitive and head ache inducing beat.

The house was ridiculously conspicuous. It didn't take a genius to know that illegal activities were going on here. It was a classic example of badly organised crime at work. The house didn't even have a real door. Anybody could just walk in and shoot Fernando and take all the drugs he or she wanted.

Without giving herself time to consider, she walked up the porch steps and knocked on the doorframe. Through the screen door, she could see part of a front hall and a half open door leading into what looked like a living room.

A tall man in a black wife beater and bleached jeans sauntered out of the living room into the hall. There were no signs of drug abuse on his arms, his teeth were white and he didn't smell of drugs. His arms were toned and his smile was smug. Ignoring the filmy residue that coated the screen, he looked her up and down.

'Are you Fernando?' she asked.

'Depends on who's asking,' he answered. There was something wolfish about his smile, as if he was seizing up possible prey.

'I'm asking.'

His smile broadened.

'Why don't you come in?'

(***)

Three hours later.

Fernando had torn off her top. Its remnants were dangling, like some fucking cliché over a lampshade. They were smoking joints, naked on the bed. His eyes flitted around the room. To even be near his constant alertness was exhausting. Dani stared at the ceiling.

Weed was, without a doubt, the wrong drug. Too light and it had entirely the wrong effect. She didn't like the harsh taste of it either. It made her feel good, but she knew it was a meaningless sort of high that would wear off soon. Meth or cocaine would make her feel invincible and in the spaces in between all she would be able to think about was her next hit. _That_ was what she wanted: distraction.

When she sat up, Fernando slapped her and she started to laugh. He didn't like that, though she could see that he thought it was a nervous laugh born out of surprise. It wasn't.

The situation was amusing. Her small stature had given him the impression that he could dominate her, which he had done during the sex. To see him think that he was in control was amusing, so she had allowed it.

He was stronger and bigger than her, plus, he was a man, but Dani had dealt with men like him before. Her boyfriend during the undercover fuck up had had a similar physic, but a gentler character. She could take Fernando and put a stop to this any time she wanted to. That was pretty funny.

Furthermore, if she were caught in this position, even smoking something as innocent as a joint, her career would be over. For the second time that day, she had to remind herself that her career was already over; courtesy of herself.

'Is this funny?' he asked. The aggression in his voice was unmistakable, but despite the threat, she continued to laugh in his face.

'It kinda is.'

'How about this?'

He swung his arm back and instead of dodging the blow, which she easily could have done, she braced herself. This time he hit her harder and the impact split her upper lip. Slowly, while he watched her intently, she licked the blood off.

This was better. Now the night was beginning to taste familiar. Blood, alcohol and the acrid taste of weed were in her mouth. No words that she hadn't said burning her tongue. No Crews on her mind. Just the old desperate end of the road feeling.

If Fernando tried really hard, he might help her forget. Destroy and forget one hit at a time. Not the kind of hit she had been looking for, but good enough.

'I'm not sure,' she answered. He smirked, probably thinking that he had taught her some sort of lesson. Her bloody lips curled up into a smile and she taunted, 'Do it again.'

_Forget about what you ain't got_


	3. Godspeed

**Chapter 3: Godspeed**

_What am I supposed to do with you_

_If you won't let me help you, won't you?_

_There's no telling what he'll do_

_I wouldn't want him to hurt you in that way_

The sunlight hurt her eyes. After two days of being holed up in Fernando's house, the bright morning light was a little too much for Dani. The tightness in her face didn't help matters. Her probing fingers confirmed that everything was still swollen. Lips, cheeks and especially the tender areas underneath her eyes were puffy.

As she walked back to the motel, she resisted the desire to put on her sunglasses to hide her bruises. They might have started out as black eyes, but now the bruises were purple and green. An old man stared at her. She stared back.

'What?' she muttered, aggressively. The man quickly averted his eyes and returned to tending his garden. Dani glanced over her shoulder. Every moment she expected _him_ to pop up. He had said he knew her; he had known that she would run. Well, she knew him too. She knew that he would come running to save her. Exactly as he had done before.

Damn, she needed a drink. Instead of turning left to the motel, she turned right and entered a small liquor store. Ignoring the looks from fellow shoppers, she purchased a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Outside, she found a bench and unscrewed the cap. The first sip properly woke her up. It slid down easily and warmed her whole body. A man sat down beside her.

'You know what your problem is?'

Dani pretended to be unsurprised by his presence, but the truth was that his sudden appearance had startled her. She took another sip.

'Enlighten me.'

'You don't worship your life,' he said. He sounded so painfully sincere that she felt embarrassed for him. She glanced in his direction. Crews had on a Hawaiian shirt. He looked ridiculous. It seemed to her that he had forgotten how to dress or behave on vacation and now he was just doing the sort of stuff that normal people do when they're on vacation. Like wearing a Hawaiian shirt. In Hawaii.

'The aim of life is appreciation. There is no sense in not appreciating things,' he continued. Right off a tile, Dani thought. Or from one of his Zen tapes.

When he noticed that she was looking at him, he made a big sweeping gesture with his hands that encompassed the horizon. She took it to mean life, which made her chuckle. It was ironic that he was the one to rave about how awesome life was. Life had sucked for him, through no fault of his own, for a long time. And Dani... Her way of enjoying life was fairly self destructive and, when it came down to it, not very enjoyable either.

The alcohol, the abuse; it had piled up. It was all defence; armour. But Crews was always chipping away at her. Getting her to say, to admit, to _feel_. She looked at the bottle in her hands, the whiskey swirling inside, making delicious noises.

'Most of the time life's...' Dani began, but she couldn't get it out. Life was: what? Bad. Unfair. Hard. A struggle. Even unspoken it sounded stupid and whiny. It hardly mattered that it was true. To be safe was hard and to be happy was harder. So, she'd stopped trying.

'Life is bad, because you don't let the good in. And if by chance you do, you make sure it won't last,' Crews tried. It was a nice try.

'You're not my partner anymore,' she repeated. Go home, she meant. What happens to me is none of your concern. What I do to myself is none of your concern. This didn't deter him for a second. It was as if he had prepared his answer.

'I am your friend.'

So fucking sincere again. Why did he have to come here? Why did he have to screw up her attempt at the ultimate disaster? She looked up. Crews' eyes roved over her face, taking in every mercifully faded bruise. He tried to touch her cheek, but she averted her face just in time.

His hands were so white; it was a mystery to her why he hadn't burned to a crisp yet. Though it was morning, the sun was very much present. She could feel its glow on her own skin, not altogether pleasant, a little too insistent, like Crews himself. His hands were the sort of hands that could rip her apart. Bruise her in all the right places. Make her come undone.

Except he wouldn't want to hurt her. He'd be tender. His touch would be light. Feathery. Ripping her apart all the same. Her gaze drifted to the bottle she was holding.

'That guy, Fernando, is not good for you,' he explained. She didn't even bother to wonder how he knew; she just accepted it. It was rather disheartening to hear him talk. It wasn't very inspiring. Stating the obvious was more like it.

'So?' Dani asked. She didn't want good. If she wanted good, she would have stayed in Los Angeles and given in. Luckily, they weren't there anymore. Defiantly, she swallowed another mouthful of whiskey. It burned a hot trail from her throat to her insides.

'So, you shouldn't consort with him.'

'I can make my own decisions, thank you very much,' she snapped. His choice of words had almost made her laugh – because _consort_; really? - until she realised that he was telling her what to do. The anger flared up and took over.

Her legs protested, but she stood up and started to walk. The liquid sloshed around in the bottle. She heard him following.

'Reese...'

'Go away,' she whispered. As if he was in her head and she could wish him away. Unfortunately, he was very real and annoying and determined to get through to her. Every time he spoke, she realised that she had expected something else. Perhaps for him to grab her hand and spin her around. Or to ridiculously proclaim that he 'wasn't leaving without her.' There was even a part of her overactive imagination that thought he might throw her over his shoulder and march away. Instead it was more of the obvious.

'He hit you.'

Communication must consist of something else than blurting out facts. It was ineffective this way, especially so since she was already aware of the facts. Dani stopped and turned to face him.

'I know; I was there. What's it to you?'

'Reese...'

It came out unsure and feeble, both things she knew he wasn't.

'Stop saying my fucking name like it means something. This has nothing to do with you. Leave me alone,' she snarled. He stared at her.

'Well?' she prompted. When he didn't move and displayed no intention of moving in the near future, she continued. 'You're pathetic. One of those assholes who think women need to be saved. A clueless jerk, an idiot, a sorry little shit. Fuck off, you son of a bitch! Motherfucker...'

It was as far as she got, before she caught the dark flash of rage in his eyes and he grabbed her wrist. _God, yes, yes, yes,_ Dani thought. If she couldn't get him to leave, getting him to lose control was the next best thing. She didn't care why he was suddenly angry; the insults weren't personal. They meant nothing. They were only words. Their meaning hardly registered with her. It was only later that she realised he might have reacted so strongly because of his mother.

Right now, his fingers were digging into her flesh. Much too soon, he restrained himself and released his vicelike grip on her wrist.

'Do you know that you only asked me to help you once? It was during our first case,' he said. His voice betrayed nothing of his momentary loss of control. She glared at him while he smiled as if it was a fond memory. Of course, Dani remembered that. The cocaine had been everywhere. On her skin, in her eyes, in her mouth. With every breath she took, more of it entered her bloodstream. She had fumbled for a shower and Crews had helped her.

'You said 'Oh God, help me' and I did,' he added. Like she could forget that moment where she had reached out for him and he had been right there, which had freaked her the hell out. Immediately, she had recoiled from the contact. It was one of her most vulnerable moments and he had not taken advantage of her in any way. She didn't like to be reminded of it, simply because his intentions had been pure as they were now.

'Well, I'm not asking now,' Dani pointed out.

'Don't need to. I'm staying at the Hilton. Room 23.'

She frowned as he left. This was not going as she had expected at all. Where was the self righteous for-your-own-good bullshit? Instead of a saviour, she had gotten a friend. Someone who promised to be right there if she needed help. What did this tell her? It tells me that I am talking too long, she thought. She needed to be faster. Dani brought the bottle to her mouth and took a big gulp.

_Things you don't say reach me somehow anyway_

(***)

'The aim of life is appreciation; there is no sense in not appreciating things; and there is no sense in having more of them if you have less appreciation of them' - Gilbert Keith Chesterton


	4. Rise up with fists!

**Chapter 4: Rise up with fists!**

_Like when you wake up behind the bar_

_Trying to remember where you are_

_Having crushed all the pretty things_

_There but for the grace of God go I_

The first thing Dani thought when she came to was, where the hell am I? A kind face hovered above her. The man's hair was short and blonde. He smiled at her and introduced himself as Parker. She got to her feet, ignoring the hand he offered her and looked around.

(***)

Earlier that day.

After her talk with Crews, she went back to her motel room and took the small packet of coke that Fernando had given her out of her pocket. Even though she knew alcohol wasn't enough, she was still reluctant to go _there_. Weed was one thing, cocaine was quite another. Unopened, she left the packet on her bed, while she took a shower. Her face stung, her joints ached.

Getting dressed, Dani noticed that she was running out of clean clothes. Currently, she was wearing her last pair of pants. Restlessly, she paced the room and contemplated the cocaine. Her skin itched, but did it itch for the drug? She looked at the veins in her arms, slowly scratching her left arm from wrist to elbow.

Taking the cocaine would either grant her a short reprieve from reality or bring reality closer. And did she want to go there? Did she really, truly want to go there? The place where all she did was crave the next hit. Wasn't it better to claw at her face, going so far as to accept Crews' assistance to get away from the cocaine than to willingly let it enter her body?

She sat down on the bed and tried to think clearly.

Crews had said that he was her friend. There must be something he wants, she thought. There must be an ulterior motive or an angle. Early on, Dani had learned that kindness was nothing but a demand in disguise. She didn't see why it would be different with Crews.

The room smelled of cheap perfume and mould with a faint dash of whiskey. Half heartedly, she began to throw her belongings into the suitcase by the foot of the bed, but she thought better of it. Wherever she would go, he would find her. She could walk away all she wanted, but he lingered.

She unfolded the corners of the packet and grabbed a little mirror out of her suitcase. It was done in a matter of seconds. Her nose burned, her eyes watered and she immediately knew that she had made a mistake.

As the drug travelled through her system, she didn't feel euphoria. She felt Crews. In her veins, in her joints, in her bones. As if she had snorted him.

Dani lay back on the bed, feeling his lips on her skin. His arms around her body. His hands in her hair. His breath on her face. The sharpness of her senses made the bad trip worse. Her life in Technicolor looked even more dismal and, ironically, grey. The sounds from the motel were magnified. The stilted dialogue from the soap opera Emily was watching, something scurrying in the walls and occasionally the noise of a plane landing or taking off.

Clutching the bottle of whiskey to her chest, she drank. The sips were tiny and she didn't enjoy them, but they helped her to pretend that nothing was wrong. Her defence was still in place, nothing had changed. Except that nothing that she tried worked; she couldn't forget what could have happened if she had stayed in LA.

When the bottle was empty, the room had become unbearable hot. The drug had long since worn off and Dani didn't want another hit. Carefully, she folded the packet closed and tucked it into her jeans. She needed more alcohol and perhaps another man.

At the bar closest to her motel, she began to drink in earnest. Nobody paid any attention to her. Whether it was her bruised face or her afternoon heavy drinking, she didn't know; but people left her alone. Alcohol was supposed to provide liquid courage, but the more she drank the more she felt like a coward. Operating in a haze, she realised that she needed to go see Crews. Give him what he wanted and he would go away.

The last thing she remembered was that she slid off her chair and that her legs refused to support her.

(***)

'You fainted?' he said, but it sounded more like a question. Her legs were fine now, so she pushed away his helping hand. She seriously doubted that she had fainted. Judging by her headache, she had had not a little but a lot too much to drink.

'I'm Parker,' he repeated. His eyes were a nice cold blue. He looked tan and healthy. You will do, she thought.

'I'm Charl... Dani,' she said. Fuck. 'Care to escort me out?'

Parker nodded eagerly, like a true gentleman. Kindness, Dani warned herself; it's not what it seems. Again, he tried to support her, because she was still unsteady. Again, she refused his help. The front of the bar was illuminated by harsh, unforgiving artificial lights. Parker thought that she wanted a cab, but after taking a few deep breaths Dani looked around and her eyes chanced upon the alley next to the bar.

'Here,' she beckoned and, without questioning her intentions, Parker followed. She pushed him against the wall and started to unbuckle his belt. At first, he reacted hesitantly, but he soon became more cooperative. That was why it was doubly annoying when a hand grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back.

A little light from the bar filtered into the alley, which was all she needed to recognise Fernando.

'Relax, dude. I didn't know she had a boyfriend,' Parker shouted. This was news to Dani. She didn't know either that she had a boyfriend. Fernando pushed Parker out of the way and Parker took the opportunity to flee. Then Fernando turned to her. He was trembling.

Meanwhile, Dani was rapidly sobering up. She didn't protest when Fernando told her to follow him. Too many eyes here. He took her to the beach. He didn't stop trembling on the way there. Dani was loath to think that it might be anger; she vastly preferred to think that it was due to the effect of drugs.

Darkness had properly descended on the beach. The way the sand felt as she walked made Dani feel strange. The physical exertion was beginning to wear her down. Fernando kept telling her to keep going, but she was tired.

'Slut, tramp, hussy, whore,' Fernando hissed. He continued in the same vein for a couple of minutes. This time she did try to hide her amusement, because it wasn't wise to provoke him under the circumstances. Too late. Her aborted chortle made him livid. Dani stared at his shirt while he railed. It was white, an impeccable snowy white. Like the cocaine in her pocket.

'I allowed you to hit me before, but that's over,' Dani explained. With some effort, she succeeded in keeping her voice even and low.

'What are you going to do about it?' he asked. Balling his fist, he stepped forward and aimed a punch at her ear. She dodged the blow, but he was quicker than she had anticipated. Before she knew it, his fingers were in his hair. Frantically, she kicked and trashed, but his grip only tightened. His fingers were scraping her scalp and it felt as if he was pulling her hair out by its roots.

Fernando dragged her to the ocean. His shirt, her only point of reference in the scant light of the moon, stayed so clean while he dragged her through the sand. Her jeans got soaked as she struggled to break free. Salt water entered her nose and mouth as he dunked her in the waves. Her head felt as if it was going to explode. Every blood vessel was screaming for air. When he finally allowed her some time to breath, she screamed.

'I'm a cop, you fucking idiot! I'm a cop!'

Her stomach clenched violently when she realised that what she'd said was a lie and that it was her own fault. Fortunately, the revelation made him release her. He looked confused. Scrambling upright, she linked the fingers of both her hands together and slugged him in the face. With a howl, he sank to his knees. The sudden vivid crimson on his hands and face indicated that she'd broken his nose. Dani wanted to cough and breathe, just gulp in precious oxygen, but there was no time.

Before he could do anything except curse, she kneed him in the same spot. He began to sob, but she was intent on finishing the job. Gathering all her strength, she punched him one last time. It was a good one. She could have sworn she at the very least loosened a few teeth. Fernando reacted by flopping over on his side and lying very still.

Fatigue caused her to sway on her feet. Dani dug the coke out of her pocket and threw it at his inanimate form. Crews would be proud of her. The thought of having to earn Crews' approval pissed her off, so stubbornly she picked up the coke again and stuffed it in her pocket. She stumbled back to the motel, collapsed on the bed and slept.

(***)

When she woke the next day, it was almost evening again. She had slept almost 24 hours. Her negligence frightened her. What if Fernando had come looking for her? In the bathroom mirror that was speckled with tiny dots of something she'd rather not identify, Dani inspected her face.

It looked normal. The discoloration was gone. The swelling wasn't completely gone yet, but was nearly impossible to see. She took a long shower and since she was out of pants she put on one of the two dresses she had packed. The dress was old and unbecoming but definitely better than the red, flashy one. What had she been thinking when she packed them? Answer: she hadn't been thinking; she had been too busy getting the hell out of LA.

At the local 7-eleven, she bought bread and milk and cheese and other semi-healthy things. Back in her room she ate hungrily and fast, almost without chewing. After the meal, the dress looked rather the worse for wear splattered with food stains. She donned the red dress. It was short and strapless. It was also gaudy and awful. Like prom wear. Dani thought her mother might have given it to her around that time with that purpose in mind, completely forgotten that her daughter didn't exactly belong to the category prom going people.

Unfortunately, she was unable to find another piece of clothing that didn't make her look like a hobo, so she was forced to wear the ridiculous prom dress. Fortunately, her body hadn't changed that much since her teenage years.

Stomping around the room, Dani tried to ignore that she felt better than she had done in ages. That might have something to do with getting some sleep and eating a decent meal and being sober for the first time in weeks, but she felt entirely comfortable pretending that it had more to do with being about to get rid of Crews.

(***)

She knocked on the door of room 23, hoisting up her dress with the other hand. Crews opened the door, seemingly unsurprised to see her, which, you know, _irritated_ her. He was ready for bed in a green shirt and a pair of ugly chequered shorts.

Before he could invite her in, she breezed past him. Room 23 turned out to be suite 23. It was enormous. Of course - freak that he was - it looked like only one corner of the suite was actually in use and it didn't include the bed. A sad, rumpled blanket on the floor indicated where he slept.

'Nice dress,' he said. He was smiling and Dani got the feeling that the comment was one third compliment, one third joke and one third... something else, which discomfited her.

'Let's skip the preliminaries. What do you want?' she barged right in. He merely stared at her, as if it should be clear what it was he wanted.

'Reese...'

'_What_ do you want?' she repeated angrily. The dress was threatening to slip down again. She was really regretting wearing it, what with how Crews was studying it and how she had to pull it up every couple of seconds for fear of flashing Crews. The dress was proving to be a giant pain in the ass.

'I want to help you,' Crews responded. He was using the same sincere tone he had been using when he had warned her about Fernando and it was truly nauseating.

'It would really help me if you left, so what do I have to do to make that happen?'

'Reese...'

Sighing, she ventured a look outside. The Hilton's garden was filled with lit lanterns. Their soft glow seeped into the suite through the open windows.

'What does that mean? You keep saying it like it means something. 'Reese, Reese, Reese.' You know what it means to me? It means we've been partners for two years and we still call each other by our last names,' she pointed out. With both her hands now, she hoisted up her dress, which was – again – daring to descent.

'You always call me Crews,' he protested, confused. The conversation was getting away from her. She wasn't sure what she was hoping to accomplish, but Crews continued to stare at her in a certain way and it unnerved her.

There was a fire in his eyes that she envied. Perhaps that was what she wanted, but the only way she could get her hands on it these days was when she was angry.

'But you want to call me Dani?' Was that it? There must be something he wants, she thought. Her heart skipped a beat as she resumed her aggressive inquiry, taking a tiny step towards Crews with each new question. 'You want us to be more than partners maybe? The kind of relationship where you follow me when I go away and save me from a bad man?'

'Hmmm? Is that the kind of relationship you want? You save me and I fuck you. Is that why you're here? Is that what you want? Do you want _me_?' Dani asked.

The toes of her boots were almost on his bare feet. If they had been of the same height, they would have been standing chest to chest. As it was, Dani was looking up into his eyes with very little space to separate them from one another. A deep breath would have been enough to touch, but they both breathed shallowly.

If her aim had been to embarrass him, then her line of questioning could be considered an epic fail. His gaze didn't waver from her face.

'Yes,' he said. 'Yes, I want you.'

In his eyes, she could see what he meant. _Who wouldn't want you?_ Half the time, she didn't get him, but now she understood him. Loud and clear. _Yeah, you turn me on._ She smiled. That was fine. That was easy. She could handle that.

Plus, she'd tried everything else. This was merely another fight. So, why the hell not?

'Then take me,' she rasped and allowed the dress to fall to the floor. Not the bed. Close to them was a vanity table with a mirror and little bench. Dani shoved aside the bench and lifted herself onto the table. Crews' hand slid up her right thigh and pulled down her panties.

His reaction was entirely different than anything she had anticipated. No whispered nothings. No need to hear that she was sure; only action. It was so unexpected, because this was Crews. Crews, who was pretty much always in control. Who was wrapped up in morals and decency and genuine kindness. It was strange to discover that underneath it all he was just a man, with the same weaknesses and desires as normal people. Strange, but comforting.

Her eager hands pushed down his shorts. He was hard and ready. The table felt coarse under her, but she paid no attention. She shifted a little and spread her legs. From somewhere, he produced a condom and put it on.

He held her hips as he slid inside. She moaned softly. This is not for me, she reminded herself. To make him disappear, she pulled him closer. Wrapping his arms around her, he lifted her and tried to walk them to the bed.

Dani pushed against his chest and they fell. Luckily, the carpet was thick and soft. Crews landed on his back, Dani on her side. Her body betrayed her as it regretted the loss of contact. Without a noise, without a warning, she mounted him. She pressed her knees to his sides.

There was no emotion in her face and none in his. There were just his eyes, which said everything as she rode him and he let her. Her tongue was soft in his mouth. Her teeth sharp when she bit into his shoulder. He accepted everything without a word. She coiled her darkness around him and he met it with a darkness of his own. Moving in tandem, never once resorting to tenderness, but bruising her with the same abandon she employed.

It wasn't until the very end, sweaty and panting, that he flipped her over. Dani closed her eyes to escape his piercing gaze as he thrust, again and again. It lasted so long and hurt so bad and felt so good, that when she finally came she was almost disappointed. Almost. Because now that he'd gotten what he wanted, he would leave. He rode out his orgasm and when she opened her eyes, she caught the remaining glimmer in his eyes.

Very gently, contradicting everything that had come before, Crews climbed off. And Dani discovered that somehow, somewhere along the way, his darkness had cancelled out her own.

_And I will take what's mine mine mine_


	5. Happy

**Chapter 5: Happy**

_I think we're at our best_

_By the flicker by the light of the TV set_

'_Cause I can't remember why I hated you_

_Can't remember why I still do_

It lasted only a few seconds, but Dani's temporary state of lightness scared her. To her relief, the old wariness returned soon and she was herself again. Though she was staring at the ceiling, she knew that Crews was looking at her. His eyes burned on her skin. She glanced to the side and there they were. Blue and concerned and puzzled.

He turned away and folded his arms behind his head.

'Do you ever feel that...' he began, but she started and glared at him.

'What are you doing?' she asked. Her eyes were narrowed; suspicious. Neither gave a second thought to their nakedness. He was seemingly comfortable and she didn't care.

'Talking to you? Kissing you?'

Attempting to translate his words into deeds, he leaned in and tried to kiss Dani. She pulled away. The movement was violent and unmistakable. _Don't touch me._

'Wow, what the hell?' she breathed. There was something about her reaction that felt artificial. Yes, she wanted distance. Oceans between them, like she had wanted from the very beginning. It was what this was all about. She resented his attempt at pillow talk, but she resented its ease even more.

'I take it we're not doing that?' Crews asked, in earnest. Dani got to her feet, picked up the dress and shimmied into it. He didn't even try to cover himself up. Frustrated, she clenched and unclenched her fists, but the tension wouldn't disappear.

'That is not how it works. We're not going to cuddle and tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets,' she replied. A tiny muscle underneath her eye was twitching. She wondered whether Crews could see it or whether it was all in her head. Anyway, it was fucking annoying. Dani towered over him.

'I notice you are wearing your armour again,' he stated, dryly. His eyes were focused on the dress. She resisted the urge to peer down at her dress too. The muscle underneath her eye increased the frequency of its contractions.

'What the fuck are you talking about? What is it with you and riddles?' she snapped. Now, he grabbed his clothes and dressed quickly. Dani thought about the packet of coke still in her motel room. She so wanted to want it.

Crews mumbled something. He didn't address her directly. Instead he stood by the window and stared out. For all she knew, he could have been talking to himself. Nonetheless, Dani felt that she needed to respond to whatever inaudible, undoubtedly cryptic remark he had made.

'Are you trying to piss me off?'

Her voice was dangerously low, but when he turned around the corners of his mouth were lifted in a smile. She pressed her toes into the carpet until they were white. She didn't quite know whether she was trying to keep from running or attacking him.

'Do you want me to?' he asked. With disgust, she slid on her panties and put on her shoes.

'Go home. That's what I want,' she replied. As she looked at him, she suddenly understood his comment about her armour, because his was gone. No defence. No walls. Perhaps this was how he had been before the twelve years in prison. Trusting and perfect and vulnerable.

As if he was a window and she was a knife and she had opened him wide with that one word. Just because he didn't know where home was.

In that moment, Dani could have torn him down. She knew what it took to break a man completely and she could have taken him down with a single thrust. It would have been nice to drag him down with her. Misery loves company.

It was fair game. He had lied. He had fucked with her and now she'd fuck with him. That's how it was supposed to be. Soft kisses, gentle touches and kind words would have done it. So, why didn't she? Why didn't she fake the words?

Sighing, she opened the door. He followed her. She didn't protest when he entered the elevator with her. She didn't protest when he exited the hotel with her. She didn't protest when he seemed intent on accompanying her all the way back to her motel room.

'I want you,' he announced when they were close to the motel. It was classic crazy Crews behaviour. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. There was an exhibitionist streak in her, but she was pretty sure that he didn't want to have sex on a public street.

The way he was looking at her right now made her think that he'd mislead her. It made her think he'd only pretended to want her body when he wanted much more. Dani cursed herself for being so stupid. She never should have slept with him. If he'd been honest about his intentions, she wouldn't have.

'You just had me,' she snapped.

Please don't clarify your statement, she prayed. To whose God, she didn't know. Not hers.

'No Dani, I want _you_. Not sex with you.'

There it was. Out in the fucking open. The thing she had been trying to avoid for weeks. Furious, she picked up the pace without glancing back. Her head was spinning. How the hell could she have allowed it to come to this?

Near the motel, the sound of her feet pounding on the pavement precluded thinking. She didn't notice that Emily wasn't in the reception area. Thundering ahead, she unlocked her room. The hallway was empty. There was no one behind her. When she turned to close the door, however, Crews was there.

Without giving it a second thought, she tried to slam the door shut, but it encountered a strong shoulder. He didn't budge. Not when she pushed harder. Not when she cursed and kicked the door. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

Her breathing became faster as she threw herself against the door repeatedly. Apparently, she was insane too. The frustration almost made her cry. She kept heaving these huge, desperate breaths as her strength slowly evaporated. Finally, she flung open the door – startled, he stumbled inside - and simply full on lunged at him.

Crews easily caught her right wrist as she took a swing at him and then her left one. The situation clearly amused him, which infuriated her. She panted and glared at him with hatred.

Groaning, Dani wrenched her fist free and hit him. He just stood there. An angry, red blotch was forming below his ear. He swirled his tongue around in his mouth. Checking for blood. Tasting the pain. As much as she wanted to hurt him more, she found she couldn't. She was too tired.

Dani sat down on the bed, rubbing her temples. She pulled the remote out from under her, turned on the TV and she for a remote to control him. Push a button and you'd be able to mute him. Push another button and he'd be gone entirely.

With his fingertips, he carefully probed his jawbone. Then he moved into the room, closing the door behind him. Dani kept trying to ignore him, but her gaze kept landing on him.

'I don't care if you don't want me, I'm yours,' he said. The TV emitted a constant high pitched tone, which aggravated her head ache. The volume was too loud, but when she tried to turn it down she discovered that the volume button didn't work. When Crews sat down next to her, she jumped up.

'Well, I'm not yours and I don't want you. I don't want you to want me. I don't want you to help me. I don't want to want you.'

The sound of the TV drowned out the silence between them. As she realised what she'd said, she watched him realise it too. Resigned, she sat down beside him again.

'I was doing fine until you got here,' Dani muttered. He raised an eyebrow and she smiled faintly.

Well, she had been. In a way. Doing what she knew how to do. Living a violent life with Fernando. Having sex to the sound of a scream. Barbed wire kisses. And most importantly: not caring.

'Dani?'

He touched her cheek as tenderly as if she was the one with the bruised face. His touch was light. His words gentle as he took her face in his hands.

'What do you want if you don't want love?'

The way he said it – the way he looked at her – made it sound as if that was everything there was to life. It was bullshit. She knew he didn't believe that. His whole conspiracy hunt proved otherwise. Yet, he meant it.

Would it be okay if she just wanted him to stay? It was too hard to say, so instead she let him lean in and kiss her. It was soft. So soft. His tongue parted her lips, pausing every now and then, seemingly to wait for permission, which she gladly granted him. She pulled him down on top of her.

Would it be okay if they made love on the edge of a knife? Dani thought it might be. She _wanted_ it to be. She wanted him. It was dangerous. It was safe.

Would it be okay if she was happy again for a few seconds?

_They warn you about killers and thieves in the night_

_But my mama never warned me about my own destructive appetite_


	6. Run devil run

**Chapter 6: Run devil run**

_Run_

_Devil run_

_Devil run_

_Devil run_

Crews leaned over her, his knuckles resting on the mattress. His words echoed in her mind.

'What do you want if you don't want love?'

There was a time for those kinds of words and this wasn't it. Dani didn't want love. She didn't want anything, except someone to cut herself on. So, when he held back and looked into her eyes, she tensed.

'Stop looking at me like that,' she said.

'Like what?'

'Like you care.'

'I do.'

'Well, pretend not to. I can't fuck you if you keep looking at me like that.'

She thought he'd roll off her, but he didn't. In fact, his stare deepened and he grabbed her wrists. He lowered himself onto Dani, effectively trapping her beneath his weight.

'That's okay. We're not going to... _fuck_,' he countered. It wasn't okay. It wasn't okay by a long shot. This place they had arrived at, where it was somehow okay to want him to stay. Where it was okay to admit that she wanted him. It wasn't a place where she belonged.

When he kissed her, she bit his lip. The bastard didn't even blink as he continued to kiss her. As Dani arched towards him, she discovered anew that she could cut herself on him. Now he was the knife; slicing through her resistance and carving her into a different Dani. A better version of herself.

Suddenly, she was naked. His kisses deepened as his fingers were everywhere. He traced every line, explored every wrinkle, and followed every vein. Her hands were free, but she did not seek to escape. Stretching her arms above her head, she surrendered

'Thought we weren't...' she moaned.

'We're not,' he answered. She tried to find the lie in what they were doing. Not there. He turned off the TV. When his hands descended on her again, they were hot. Every caress intensified the heat. It slowly turned her body into one pulsing mess.

Soft fingers teased her thighs. She held her breath as he drew warm, wet circles with the tip of his tongue. Sometimes he paused to simply breathe on her skin. It made her feel as if she was all surface. Paper thin skin.

Who needed drugs and alcohol when plain touching felt like this?

Panicking, she remembered something. The reason she'd left LA. The thing she had been avoiding. _This._

'No.'

His hands stopped at the word, disappeared. Crews looked at her like he got it. God, she was so sick of him getting it. She sat up straight.

'Don't look at me,' Dani repeated. He sighed and obliged. Averted his gaze. Got up from the bed. Then he looked at her again.

'I'm tired of you throwing everything back at me, Dani. Make up your mind. Let me know when you're ready to take what I want to give.'

Why did that hurt? That wasn't supposed to hurt. She didn't say anything. There was no sound as he exited the room. The world was a vacuum.

The way Dani saw it, she could do three things.

One. Leave. Pack her suitcase and go. He was waiting for her to come to him. Waiting for her to accept his offer. This time he wouldn't come after her. If she went away, she could do whatever the hell she wanted.

Two. Stay. Snort what was left of the coke. Follow it up with some whiskey for good measure. And pay him a visit. That would send a message. Loud and clear. Then he would leave her alone.

Three. Leave. Don't drink and don't use. Don't visit him. He would know what that meant too. She didn't need him, after all. She only wanted him. Big difference there.

'Fuck,' she whispered.

There was a fourth option, but she didn't like it. She went over it, anyway.

Four. Stay. Kick her addictions. Accept his offer.

Dani gritted her teeth. Option four infuriated her. If she got clean, she wanted it to be her choice. She wanted it to be about her. It was her life and she didn't want it to hinge on someone else.

When her head touched the pillow, she closed her eyes. Her mind started to wander. She imagined the place where she used to live. The house of her parents. It was very different now from when she was young. Exactly the same place, exactly the same people. The only one who had changed: Dani.

Most people weren't capable of change. Old habits die hard, and all that. But she had changed. She had been relatively well-adjusted, a junk, a struggling ex-junk trying her hand at normal and a junk again. That was a lot of change. One more Dani wouldn't be a big deal. Maybe this Dani could even be with Crews.

Or not.

Maybe this Dani would go on fucking guys like Fernando, because her body was never going to be a temple. She liked being able to say, 'Do what you want, take what you need.' She liked to taunt, 'Come on and push me down.' She liked it when men tried to do just that. Because they never succeeded. Because _letting_ them drag her down wasn't the same thing as actually being dragged down.

She opened her eyes. The stupid dress was on the floor. She put it on. The packet was in a pair of pants. Which one? She searched, turning all her pockets inside out until she found the coke.

It suddenly seemed much more appealing than sex with Crews. Okay; not more appealing than sex with Crews, but definitely more appealing than being with Crews. She still didn't want the coke, though. She needed it. Needed it real bad. Because needing was always bad.

The drugs were deciding for her. Just say no, they urged. No to recovery. No to whatever comes after that. You don't want love anyway, they said. That was true.

So, one last time?

_From love_


	7. Paradise

**Chapter 7: Paradise**

_The exit from loneliness_

_Is not necessarily_

_The entrance into paradise_

When they're trying to quit, addicts always pretend that every new hit or drink or cigarette is the last one and it never is. The key to quitting is deciding that your last time has already come and gone.

That was what Dani did. She called the local authorities, anonymously, and gave them a tip about Fernando's activities. She flushed the coke, regretting it immediately afterwards. That was okay, though. She found regretting not using much easier to stomach than regretting using.

Drinking was another story. Perhaps, because unlike other drugs, alcohol was an accepted part of society. Inescapable. There was no way to remove the temptation, thus, she fully emerged herself in it. She spent day after day in the local bar. Drinking root beer and other non-alcoholic beverages, eyeing other people's drinks, shooting down everyone who tried to strike up a conversation.

The owner of the bar was evidently a fervid admirer of Amy Winehouse, because every other song was one of hers. By now, Dani knew his personal favourite 'You know I'm no good' by heart and it pissed her off to no end.

It wasn't even that she didn't like the music. It was just that between 'Rehab,' 'Addicted,' 'Alcoholic Logic' and her own withdrawal symptoms and _I cheated myself, like I knew I would_ it was all a little too on the nose.

Here she was, close to the flame. Though she was drawn to it, she miraculously hadn't flown into it yet. Good for me, she thought, but what now? She had thrown away the majority of her clothes, because the sweet smell of alcohol and other chemicals clung to them and she knew from experience that no detergent was aggressive enough to get that out. She had bought new clothes, before remembering that she should be careful with her money.

After all, she didn't have a job and no hope of securing one in the future after how she had left.

Dani was quick to realise that her biggest enemy was going to be boredom. Days stretched out before her. She had nothing to live towards. Being an addict was like performing a series of short sprints, without ever having to worry about anything else. Being sober was more like a marathon. Slogging on. It was predictable. She needed something unpredictable in her life.

Crews.

The problem was that she still didn't know which way she wanted to fight. Leaving would be fighting, defying the attraction. Like with her other addictions, except he was not bad. He was good. He was love.

Going to him was also fighting. Fighting her instincts, because it was about opening up. It was letting him know her, which she'd spend all her life avoiding. It was fucking unnatural.

So, she stayed in limbo.

_It's fight or flight_

After a week of this, she came back to the motel to find the door to her room ajar. The room was empty. No suitcase, no passport, no new clothes, no nothing. Of course, she was wearing that stupid dress again, since it was the only item of clothing she had spared. She was officially a sentimental idiot now.

She had her wallet with credit cards and id with her, but this was a setback. A good excuse to have a relapse. An impulse she was determined not to give into. Detox was a bitch and she'd be damned if she was going to go through that again.

The bed had been stripped and the mattress had been thrown back. The room had definitely been searched. Dani suspected that Emily might have something to do with it. The lock on the door hadn't been forced. Her supplier was in jail, so maybe Emily thought she could find something here. Or maybe it was payback. Did she know that Dani had turned Fernando in? It didn't matter.

I should feel like hell, Dani thought. She didn't, though. The lack of substances in her blood often resulted in violent cravings that left her trembling and weak. She was unemployed and would soon be broke. Yet, she didn't much care. Turns out you can't steal happiness.

_It's fight or flight_

She was standing in front of the Hilton hotel. The sun was climbing higher and the day was heating up. The sky was an astonishing, uninterrupted blue. She was in the red dress waiting for a reason. It was hard to stay, but she stood her ground.

Nervously, she was attempting not to think about how bad she was at this kind of thing. Love: it had always been a gift for her feet to crush. Because she was done pretending didn't mean that she would immediately get everything right. She just hoped she wasn't going to fuck it up.

Crews came out of the hotel lobby and spotted her. His smile was like a whole other source of light and warmth. He looked her up and down, no doubt taking note of how steady and healthy she was.

'What brings you here?' he asked.

Ungracefully, she scratched her leg. She didn't have an answer. So, she wanted _and _needed him. That wasn't something she could say yet. That needed time.

'Why did you come? I knew you would, but I don't get why,' she said instead. She was all anger and rejection. She didn't like herself half the time. It was difficult to believe that someone else could actually like her. Let alone follow her path of self destruction in order to be with her. Crews carefully considered the question before answering.

'Can't you see that when I find you, I find me?'

Dani grimaced. She couldn't decide whether he was messing with her or whether he was serious. The latter, apparently. This was also a way of messing with her.

'You're so fucking weird it isn't even funny,' she scoffed.

'Then why are you laughing?' he countered. He was right. Dani was laughing.

'Because... fuck. I don't know. Help me figure this out.'

'You're doing fine. You don't need my help,' the bastard said. That was typical. He had travelled halfway across America to shove his unwanted help in her face and now that she wanted it, he didn't want to give it anymore. So fucking typical. Dani gritted her teeth.

'Charlie, I'm asking you to help me figure you in,' she explained. That was pretty good. It made her point without becoming too saccharine. He smiled and she smiled right back. Maybe she could do this.

'I can help with that. We've got about two weeks,' he told her, taking her into his arms. His arms were welcome. They felt at home around her. She peered into his face.

'Why the time limit?' Dani inquired.

'Tidwell wouldn't accept your resignation. You got a month. We can stay here if you like. It'll be like a holiday,' he enthused. The relief that coursed through her was immense. She felt like she could cry; she was that grateful. Instead, she kissed him. Hard and eager. Love: yeah, she could do this.

_The exit from loneliness_

_Could be_

_The entrance into paradise_

The end.


End file.
